It's been a year..."Illness"

...today is February 4th and I attempted this blog a year ago. What have I been doing?
One thing is for sure, not sitting on my couch with my feet kicked up watching TV!

Life is short and my Lifebreak began December 2014!!

Today, let's catch up: It's been a year..."Illness"
3 days after I started this blog venture, my mother passed away at 67, after and 8 1/2 year battle with Dementia/Alzheimer's. To say she is in a better place, is a gross understatement. My father passed away unexpectedly 27 months before mom; my brother and I became her primary guardians and did our best to ensure she had safe living conditions and professional support for her healthcare needs. She moved 10 times in the last 13 months of her life. If you know anything about Alzheimer's this is a tragedy in and of itself. But unlike what many may know about Alzheimer's or see in traditional commercials, movies or social media with elderly individuals (70-90 year olds), at 61, 64 or 67, your body is still quite healthy - although your mind is being destroyed daily. And when Alzheimer's disease begins earlier in life, you also metabolize it more rapidly, therefore, patients decline faster.

When you are physically healthy, with Dementia, and have moments of awareness about what is happening to you, your life and losing the ones you love around you, you are distraught, depressed and begin to become physically aggressive - at least this is what happened with our mom. Once a passive, kind, helpful, giving soul, she became someone we no longer knew - physically confrontational to the point of violence and self-destructive behaviors - and she could not help it - this is cognitive decline. We don't blame her; we hate this disease. The moments she knew us, were few in the last 14 months. The blank stares we received when we came to visit turned into violent or aggressive behaviors within hours of our visits. While doctors can't confirm, we truly believe she would remember us after we were there and was so distraught that she could not communicate with us, she would become explosive out of frustration. Sadly, after being discharged from more than four facilities, we did not visit her for more than six weeks - including Christmas - for fear that she would have another outburst and be discharged again. By this time, she was at a facility two and half hours from us and we couldn't risk her being moved further away. The only gift during her final months, was one of her doctors (now the third or forth in as many months), asked to meet with us. After more than an hour of providing observations and his personal/professional experience, he shared a potential timeline with us - less than six months. For many who see that as a 'death sentence' - we saw it is a blessing - her life sentence; she only had to suffer - in her own mind, a little longer - as it failed, her body would begin to wither as well. Alzheimer's began attacking the parts of her brain that would affect her ability to process food, filter her nutritional needs and swallow which would eventually reduce her to less than 90 pounds after losing 50 in the previous five months.

This is Alzheimer's. This is one of thousands of stories from families and loved ones that remain quiet because of the shame, guilt and sadness by those Alzheimer's disease leaves behind. Our mother, except her rares moments of awareness, knew not of her behaviors and outbursts, self-harm and getting kicked-out of facilities that promised to care for her but 'had to transition or discharge' her for the safety of their other patients.

These were her final days, unaware of her surroundings but cared for by others that respected her and helped comfortable her with dignity. We were there several times in her final weeks; when she was finally frail enough that she could no longer be physically aggressive. We went through photos and a few items we knew she loved and enjoyed while we told her stories. The greatest memory I will keep is that although she didn't know me, she knew I had two boys. Every time she saw me, one of the first things she always said was, "How are your boys?" On our one of our final visits, she didn't ask me how they were but when I showed her a pictures of my boys, "Damn"... she said, as she shook her head. "Damn" was one of the last words my mom said to me. Whether pride, disbelief at how big they were getting, it didn't matter. That reaction, "Damn", that moment, is what I chose to remember. That is the strong mother, proud grandmother and friend I want people to know.

However, I also find it important to note that through this experience, I recall a very good friend once describing a meeting with their mother's healthcare professionals, "I don't know who or what that is, but it's not my mother." While not said to be hurtful - it is truthful. To see someone you love, respect and know, turn into someone you no longer recognize - is beyond words and description.

We had to let go. We could not help our mother long before her final days, we had to let that guilt go and simply ensure she was safe with dignity. Understanding the process of what is happening, Advancing from it by letting go and Strengthening to move forward - this is what we do.

This weekend, I will remember my mother as we venture into our first year since she passed - but know it is not our first year without her. She was gone far before 2015 so this year I will celebrate that my parents are together - beyond this world - knowing each other and the love they shared with friends and family. The parties they threw and the joy of times at the lake, boating and relaxing. These are the moments I chose. I miss by parents and I cannot tell you the countless times, I've reached for the phone or wished I would have asked them about ____(fill in the blank, depending on the day). But this is where I am...this is my journey at 41...

Life is short; my Lifebreak continues...
Our job is to Understand it, Advance from what we find and Strengthen to move forward.

As promised before, here are a few examples of what I plan to write about...
Death: More than I know I will share - THE FOUR changed my life forever, Miscarriage-it's not pleasant dinner conversation, Four-legged family
Career: Teacher & Student, Learning Through Service and How to Manage The Difficult Times and let's add, Career Transitions; not for the weak
Home: A Complete Gut, New One, and The Face Lift
Kids: What would I do with a GIRL?! If you can stand some bodily function conversations, we'll be great together!

Today we touched on "Illness" at the end of life but we'll talk about 'the "C" word too'...
Illness: One word: Dementia - Thanks to my husband's suggestion, I was motivated to start this blog. Fact: "The only one in the Top 10 without a cure, a way to prevent it, or even a way to delay or slow it down." - Alzheimer's Association #stillalice #endalz

Finally, this Lifebreak year has included some incredibly important experiences and time with my dudes! I've brainstormed writing opportunities, took a leap with my husband to invest in real estate - no it's not going well. I've taken various business start up and entrepreneurial classes, started an online Etsy business (27treasures) to invest in my craft side - it's been a couple of decades. Started a travel counselor business and traveled a little bit myself, in addition to helping new friends with their Estate Sale business. The gift of seeing others succeed, is sometimes greater than ones personal success! So much more to come and thank you for sharing this venture with me.

All the best,
Tina